Sometimes it sucks to be such a positive person. Look, hear me out. If you’re the person who is always spouting out the “It’ll be ok”s and the “Don’t quit!”s, you have a little more accountability to practice what you preach. And when I say you, I really mean me.
Because 95% of the time, I feel the zest of life and see the great potential in all of us. But 5% of the time, I wouldn’t mind punching life in the face.
And when I feel this way, I feel SUPER guilty. Because it really isn’t so bad. I think of all the horrible conditions I could be living in… I could have died from lack of nutrients from only being able to afford ramen noodles as my only form of sustenance. I could have a debilitating, terminal disease. I could be hooking for a sandwich! (see here)
In the end, I cut myself a deal. I can rationally know something very well, but I can’t help my emotions. If I felt disappointed with my performance at an audition, I am allowed to feel that way. If I want to cry because everything feels just so overwhelming, I shouldn’t bully myself for feeling the tears come on. If I had so much anxiety during sleep that I nearly cracked my mouth guard, I can’t blame myself. I just have to focus on the bigger picture and trust that there is a plan.
My lovely friend, who was aware of my frenzied state, texted me today. She said that life sometimes calls for us to be in hibernation or a cocoon as God prepares us for what’s next. Trust that you’re walking the right path, keep praying, and try to learn as much as you can from where you are. And a beautiful finishing piece of advice: be good to yourself.
Her text actually came after a weekend away from it all. It gave me time to enjoy the beauty around me, celebrate how far I’ve come, and be more in tune with my loved ones. And when I did return to the world of emails, work, and auditions, I found that I had a lot more to smile about.